Yesterday, the Tolkienist posted a link on his Facebook page to an article in which the titles of famous novels are re-written as the kind of click-bait that can keep us glued to our laptop screens until 3 a.m., when it finally occurs to us to wonder what we meant to google in the first place. I shared the link, asking Grey Havens Group members to provide their most clickable titles for The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings. The results poured in, with multiple entries from author Stant Litore and journalist Scott Rochat and a smattering from GHG bloggers and friends. There is only one way to find out if these headlines are as attention-grabbing as we claim–read on!
More After the Adorable Puppy Photo:
From Stant Litore:
If You Don’t Read This Novel You Will Spend the Rest of Your Life Stuck in a Hole in the Ground
Click here for ADVENTURE
The #1 Story Realists DON’T WANT YOU TO READ
31 Imaginary Places You Won’t Believe Exist!!
7 Signs You Might Be Dating a She-Elf
You Won’t Believe What This Scruffy Homeless Ranger Did When These Breelanders Mistreated Him!
3 Tips for Building an Effective Team: Learn Aragorn’s 3-Step Model Today
From the Great Pipeweedjesus:
50 Shades of Greyhelm
A few from Badgaladriel:
Halflings Really Do Exist. Read the startling new evidence!
Wizard Reported Missing on Mysterious, All-Male Underground Excursion
Wizard Returned from the Dead: Exclusive Story Here!
Then Scott joined in!
Buzzfeed: Nine People Who Decided They Could Just Walk Into Mordor, And The Surprising Results
#Stormcrow Watch: The Truth Behind the Westfold “Crisis.”
The Ring of Power: Seven Ways a Palantir Can Get Your Calls Returned
“Of course,” Scott confessed, “half of these just lead to a Rickroll.”
Then Stant chimed in with:
The Horse Whisperer: Living with the Mearas
To which Scott replied:
The Hoarse Whisperer: Vital Black Speech Phrases Every Traveler Must Know
But Stant was on a roll with:
Three Great Tales of the First Age:
1. One Guaranteed Way to Win a Girl, and it Might Surprise You (Hint: Silmarils Are A Girl’s Best Friend, or at least Her Father’s Best Friend)
2. This Guy Unknowingly Slept with His Sister – How You Can Avoid His Mistake!
3. One Elf Slew a Balrog; You Can Too!
And MORE from Stant:
This May Look Like an Everyday Wedding Ring, but You Won’t Believe What It Actually Is!
3 Tips for Building an Effective Team: Learn Aragorn’s 3-Step Model Today by Professor Tolkien
THE FLESH-EATING DEAD and the Return of the King: A Pelargir Thriller!
The Amazing, No-Cost Secret for Learning Quenya That Oxford Language Professors HATE!
Spring in the Steward’s Arms (with appropriate bodice-ripper cover, featuring a swooning shieldmaiden and a very ripped Faramir)
All of which led Stant to remark:
“Clearly, the Tolkien Estate needs to hire me to do its marketing. Like yesterday. Would sell them soooo many copies.”
Right you are, Stant! Let’s read some more!
Two Towers of DEATH
The Return of the Secret Kung Fu Zombiemaster Ninja King
This Novel May Look Like Vintage Fantasy, but You Will Be SHOCKED at What You Find in the Final Chapter
Suddenly, Badgaladriel decided that she was starting to get the hang of this.
How Accurate Are the Old Lists? Meet all the important creatures that were NEVER EVEN mentioned! (Exclusive photos of holbytlan and more!)
The Diet Plan that Works–Even for Hobbits!
Making You Late for Dinner Is Just the Beginning: The Truth About Adventures!
There Are Older and Fouler Things than Orcs in the Deep Places of the World: Is YOUR family safe?
Royal Wedding Exclusive: Why the king spent a year before his marriage traipsing about with the halflings while Arwen wept at home.
Just a Game: The Gruesome History Behind the Invention of Golf
Want to Grow Taller than Bullroarer Took? Learn how with this one weird trick!
Would you believe this hobbit is eleventy-one years old? Learn his ancient secret here!
But Stant returned to show her how it’s done!
What Did This Eleventy-One Year-Old Hobbit Live On? Hint: It Wasn’t Taters
MiddleEarthHacker: Reach the Top of This Volcano, EVEN IF YOU’RE A SHORT HOBBIT
This 1,012-page Interview Will Change Everything You Think You Know About Evil
Think Climate Change Isn’t Real? Watch This INCREDIBLE Footage of the March of the Ents!
Walking in the Wild? Read the Amazing Secret That Could Save You Up to 15% on Your Travel Insurance!
Frodo Baggins Simply Walked into Mordor: “How I Did It”
This Amazing Trick Will Let You Deal with a Ruffian Infestation in Your Shire, Without Having to Dial a Wizard!
Tired of Dating Humans? 10 Elf-Catching Pickup Lines That Worked for Aragorn
Our Fellowship Visited This Ancient Dwarven City. You Won’t BELIEVE What We Found!
If the Dark Tower Fell, What Would the Highest Building in Middle-Earth Be? (9 out of 10 Readers Guess Wrong)
“Valinor is Real”: One Half-Elf’s Tale Of His Voyage to the Other Side
ABDUCTED: The harrowing tale of two hobbits trapped in the Orthanc slave trade!
Interviewing for a Quest: The 10 Things NOT to Say to Your Council
They Said It Couldn’t Be Done with 10,000 Men. He Did it With 2!
Are You Husband Material? The 7 Qualities Immortal Elf-Maidens’ Overprotective Fathers Look For
Is Your King of Gondor Straying? 1 Simple Way to Find Out if That Blonde Shieldmaiden Is a Threat
Keep It Secret, Keep It Safe: Is YOUR Precious Jewelry Secure?
Is Your Boss Secretly Allied With a Dark Lord and His Legions of Hell and Death? How Gandalf Found Out
10 Things You MUST Do While Invisible
Brandybucks and Boating: The Horrible Truth You Won’t Want to Believe
Dancing With Elves: How I Got Accepted into Their Primitive Culture And Fought to Save Them by Frodo Baggins and Kevin Costner
RESCUE AT DAWN: The Thrilling Tale of One Band of Brothers’ Fight to Hold Helm’s Deep, and How They Left Not One Dwarf Behind
Then Scott had a brilliant idea!
“I want to go back and read the work by his best friend: How to Find New Life In Your Old Wardrobe.
“Scott,” Stant asked, “don’t you mean Queer Eye for the Narnian Guy: Dress Like You’re Going to Cair Paravel?
Scott: Seasonal Temptations: Beyond Turkish Delight
On the Run? Here’s Six Gifts You Can Give In A Hasty Holiday
Stant: Can Aslan Stop the Polar Vortex? Buy this book now and FIND OUT!
Climate Change…or Witchcraft? You decide–but read this first!
Sudden Thaw: Is it an Anti-Government Conspiracy?
This Garden of Stone Statues Will Horrify You…Here’s Why
Scott: [VIDEO] Laugh Yourself Silly as These Narnians Get Stoned!
Badgaladriel: Visit Narnia: Where There Are Always Plenty of Shopping Days Left Until Christmas!
Then it was one more trip to Middle-earth with Stant before it was finally time to close all those browser tabs and wonder how many times we could safely press “snooze” without missing out on tomorrow’s adventure!
Brown Lands: Deserted Battlefield or Monsanto Nightmare?
“The Shrooms Made Me Do It”: How Drug Use by Young Hobbits Leads to Trespassing, Mauling by Wolfdogs, and a Life of Crime, Jewelry Theft, and Vandalism
Thank you and good night!
You can add your own headlines in comments then join our Facebook group for more dazzling Tolkien-themed wit! (There is more to read in the original exchange if you can find it.)